How to Handle Communication With a High Conflict Ex Spouse

We have all likely been on the receiving end of a high charged email, text, or other communication that feels like an attack, one you may be inclined to become defensive and even aggressive over. This is especially true when we are dealing with an ex spouse whom we share children with leading to inevitable conflicts over all sorts of issues like scheduling, transportation, holidays, events, medical issues, etc. As busy adults in an ever changing complicated world, we hope to be able to function and coordinate logistics as easily and as quickly as possible. Our intentions are usually to just get it all done and make it work as best as we can in the rubrics cube of life. So when we add a high conflict ex in the mix, it can lead to a full on meltdown in family planning and functioning. This is something no-one wants or has time for, especially the children involved. So what do we do to minimize these wrenches?

Bill Eddy, director of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego and author of various books including BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns developed a highly successful approach to this issue. I often cite to and share his method and the results are incredibly positive. BIFF is an acronym that stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Mr. Eddys approach suggests that all communication should possess these four qualities when responding to or initiating communication with a high conflict individual. It is a way to diffuse the conflict while maintaining a good feeling about yourself in the process.

The following is an explanation of the four parts of the BIFF acronym taken from the book:

Brief: Keep it short, typically a paragraph. This is even when the comment you’re responding to goes on and on for many paragraphs or pages. This leaves much less for the other person to react to and is often sufficient to get your main point across.

Informative: Give some straight information, rather than emotions, opinions, defenses or arguments. You don’t need to defend yourself when another person is being hostile. It’s not about you. It’s about their inability to manage their emotions and responses. Just stay focused on providing relevant information.

Friendly: This may seem hard to do when you’re being attacked in writing or verbally. But this avoids feeding the hostilities and may even calm an upset person. Just a friendly greeting and closing; nothing too involved. This helps keep the hostilities from escalating. It also shows that you have good self-restraint.

Firm: This means that you end the conversation rather than feeding the hostilities. It doesn’t mean harsh. Just avoid anything that opens the door to more hostile comments back. Say something that calmly ends the conversation. Sometimes, you will need a response from the other person, so just ask a question seeking a Yes or No answer by such-and-such time and/or date. Then end on a friendly note.

An example of this method would like this:

Jill : Hello John, I am planning to take the children to their soccer game this Friday at 3:45pm at Diamond Field. I will be there to watch them for an hour and then I have to leave. Please let me know that you will be picking them up by 5:30pm when the game is scheduled to be over. Tyler is borrowing a pair of cleats from one of his team mates. He may need a reminder to return them at the end of the game. Thanks, Jill

John: Jill, I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me about this soccer game sooner. I do not appreciate you trying to dictate my schedule. I also do not think Tyler should be borrowing any cleats. I give you enough money every month that he should have his own. I am going to try to be there by 5:30 but because I am just hearing about this now I will have to let you know. Maybe you should cancel your plans.

Jill: Thanks for your response John. I was able to let you know about the game logistics as soon as I found out myself. There is a website set up for parents. In the future, feel free to refer to it as you will have all the up to date information that i have. As for the cleats, Tyler is borrowing his friends to see if he likes that brand. Unfortunately I am unable to cancel my plans. I am sure you do not want to miss the game and Tyler will be thrilled to see you there in time for your scheduled weekend timeshare. Please let me know by 5pm tomorrow if you will make it to the field on time. Thanks!

In this example, Jill did not take the bait and get into any of the accusations that John was throwing at her. She also referred him to the website so he can be accountable for the kids schedules without relying on her. She pointed out that he had to pick up the children anyway for his weekend timeshare and that it would be a positive for him to be at the game. Lastly, she put a timeframe for response on her request for John to get back to her. Jill’s response was brief, informative, friendly and firm.

As you consider how to handle your next communication exchange with a high conflict individual, remember BIFF. It is a sure fire way to maintain control and leave the conversation feeling like your sanity is still in tact while the logistics were accomplished.