The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
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Narcissism is a hot word these days and can be used incorrectly or overused. However, that does not mean the disorder does not exist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) effects both men and women and is unfortunately a part of our societal reality. It is unknown how many actual cases exist but there are studies showing anywhere from 1 in 7 to 1 in 3 individuals have NPD. These are alarming numbers and pretty much guarantee you have a narcissist in your life in some capacity. Hopefully, the relationship is arm’s length and you are not too bothered by it. However, some of you may have a narcissistic partner, parent, boss, sibling, or other close relation in your life you feel like you cannot escape. In many cases, you might have more than one in your life. It is not uncommon to experience having both a narcissistic spouse and parent. As a child we become familiar with the nature of our narcissistic parent so we emulate that feeling as an adult and choose a similar partner.
There are three main types of NPD including those with narcissistic traits. I won’t get into the different types here but rather will discuss the actual cycle of abuse. I write cycle because it is cyclical in that it repeats itself over and over until the victim leaves the relationship and goes no contact. No contact means that the non-narcissist blocks all communication, including email, texts, and social media indefinitely. Typically the narcissist (narc) will attempt any and all manipulation tactics, including threatening suicide, to snare the victim back. Hopefully, through the method of no contact, these attempts will fail. Ultimately, the narc will give up and move on to their already secured “other” sources of supply as well as continue to seek and secure new supply. Supply here refers to other victims.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse is a four step process that repeats:
1. Love-bomb
2. Devalue
3. Discard
4. Repeat
Phase 1 is love bombing. Here, the narcissist is masking who they really are by creating a false persona, possibly even mirroring you. Mirroring occurs when the narc claims to share all the same interests as you or to have all the same values as you, etc. Narcs will shower their intended victim with a rapid and intense courting. This may include lavish gifts, expensive trips, declarations of love early on or premature claims like “you’re my soulmate”. There could be grandiose gestures like several dozen roses sent to your workplace and lots of calling and texting. Likely, they will promise you things they do not intend to follow through with like commitment, respect, a monogamous relationship, children, a home, etc. The narc is keen on asking you questions in order to figure out what makes you tick as well as what you are looking for in a relationship. Once they obtain these golden nuggets, then they offer them up. Promising you all the things you are looking for early on is the number one way of ensuring you will be loyal. Why would they want you to be loyal? The answer lies in the next phase.
Phase 2 is the devalue phase. Here, the narc is confident that you are completely under their spell. They have spent time love bombing you and the narc feels you are hook line and sinker, and why wouldn’t you be? They have probed you for all your greatest wishes and promised you them in return. It makes sense, except it doesn’t. Usually deep down, victims feel an uneasiness and question the quick pace of the relationship but ignore their intuition and continue on, even telling themselves this is a once in a lifetime love.
Now the narc will begin to employ devalue tactics which consist of manipulation and emotional abuse. In some cases, they may be physical as well. Remember the narc has thoroughly learned what makes you uniquely you and this includes your weaknesses. They have been able to elicit your darkest fears and they will use them against you. They will verbally diminish you as a parent, put down your career, and use whatever intimate details they know about you to target your sense of insecurity. They may also do this in a not so obvious way so that when you question them they respond with something like “Oh I was just kidding” or “You know I only want to help”. Narcs are crafty in their attempts at devaluation as they make it appear that they are the victim. For instance, if you question why they said something that hurt your feelings, they may snap back with “You are always so sensitive” or “Why are you always trying to create drama!”. Narcs turn the tables on their victims in order to ensure the victim never questions them again. Remember they want blind loyalty which to a narc means the victim remains loyal even after abuse. Other ways they ensure you will not question them is through the silent treatment, stone walling, gas lighting, yelling, name calling, storming out of the room, withholding money, affection, sex, etc. These common tactics are used in order to maintain control and keep their victims around.
Phase 3 is the discard phase. Here, the narc seemingly discards their victim. They may leave the house, not come home, claim the relationship is finished, all in the name of they cannot handle “how difficult you are.” They may make statements like “I am done” or “I am not doing this anymore”. Typically they are creating this false ending in order to spend time with a new supply source they have snared while still in the relationship with you. Conjuring up fake arguments in order to leave the relationship is all part of the discard phase. Narcs always have other “supply” or relationship possibilities waiting in the wings. They are terrified of being alone which prompts them to constantly be on the look out for new supply in case their current main supply should grow weary of their bad behavior and finally leave. Any discard is temporary as the narc will undoubtedly return.
This return marks phase 4 of the cycle, the repeat phase. Depending on the victim’s level of acceptance that the narc has returned, they will usually start the love bombing phase all over again in order to resume the relationship. This love bombing is usually shorter lived and less intense than the first bombing but it is surely still love bombing as they need to re-promise all that they haven’t given in order to win you back. Once you have totally accepted the narc back, it’s business as usual and the devaluing will begin again. Sure enough, the discard or the fake discard takes place once more and we see the cycle repeat.
This pattern of love bomb, devalue, discard, repeat will happen many times in a narcissistic abuse cycle. It is not until the victim gains some awareness usually after total desperation or an escalation of abuse that is a final straw so to speak and the victim will finally say enough is enough. Once they do, as mentioned previously, victims are always encouraged to go no contact. That is partly because of the repeat phase of the abuse cycle where the narc always comes back.
Narcissistic relationships are toxic and insidious. There are many resources available now to educate oneself further on the topic. There are also support groups, both online and in person, which can be helpful. A coach who is well versed in NPD can be extraordinarily effective in recovering from a narcissistic relationship. Escaping these types of relationships is not easy and should not be taken lightly. If you think you are experiencing narcissistic abuse and would like to learn more, please reach out. I am here to help.