The Theory of Attachment and Why it Matters
/Attachment theory is an evolutionary concept based on the way individuals relate to one another in a relationship. The most important tenet is that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development. How this child is parented and how that caregiver relates to the child sets the stage for how that child will show up in relationships later in life. We all have a personal attachment style. It is possible to change from one style to another through awareness and healing.
There are four basic styles of attachment:
1. Secure
2. Anxious
3. Avoidant
4. Disorganized
The secure attachment style results from caregivers who instilled a sense of safety growing up. These caregivers met the emotional needs of the child wholeheartedly. The child was able to feel loved, secure, and safe while being free to ask for validation without punishment. Adults with a secure attachment style typically exhibit the following behaviors:
-Easily trusting others
-Effective communication skills
-Ability to seek emotional support
-Comfortable being alone
-Comfortable in close relationships
-Ability to self reflect in relationships
-Being easy to connect to
-Ability to manage conflict well
-Ability to be emotionally available
Secure attachment styles show up in a relationship in a healthy way. These individuals have boundaries and a belief they deserve love. They navigate relationships well and are generally positive, trusting, and loving toward their partners. Jealousy is usually not an issue for them as they trust their partners. Secure attachments do not need external validation as they can give it to themselves.
The anxious attachment style results from caregivers who were not in tune with the needs of the child. This type of caregiver was not able to create a sense of safety or stability for the child because they may have vacillated between being inattentive or not present to overly caring. This created insecurity for the child who didn’t know what to expect. Adults with an anxious attachment style exhibit the following behaviors:
-Clingy tendencies
-Highly sensitive to criticism
-Needing approval from others
-Jealous tendencies
-Difficulty being alone
-Low sef-esteem
-Feeling unworthy of love
-Intense fear of rejection
-Significant fear of abandonment
-Difficulty trusting others
The way this attachment style usually manifests in relationships is that these individuals feel unworthy of love and need constant reassurance from their partners. They usually have poor self esteem and do not trust their partners. Jealousy is an issue for this person as they have deep rooted fears of being abandoned and alone.
The avoidance attachment style results from caregivers who were not emotionally present in the lives of the child. The caregiver instead insisted on the child meeting their own needs, and didn’t allow for any emotional connection. The child was taught early on to not ask for much as the message from the caregiver was they were not going to be available. The child is expected to be independent and would be reprimanded for having needs. These caregivers were often very strict or absent. Adults with avoidant attachment typically exhibit behaviors such as:
-Persistent avoidance of emotional or physical intimacy
-Strong sense of independence
-Uncomfortable expressing their feelings
-Dismissive of others
-Difficulty trusting others
-Feeling of being threatened if someone tries to come too close
-Spends time alone more than with others
-Belief that one doesn’t need others in their life
-Commitment issues
In relationships, avoidants typically lack the ability for emotional closeness and intimacy. They tend to keep partners at arms length. They are highly avoidant of anyone becoming too close and as a result, there can never be a real bond secured with this individual. At the root of the fear of intimacy is the idea that if someone is allowed to become too close, the relationship will fail and the avoidant will be dismissed.
The disorganized attachment style results from caregivers who were abusive or neglectful of the child. As children, these attachment styles suffered trauma and lived in a state of unsafety and confusion. The caregivers were inconsistent and created a sense of both safety and fear simultaneously as a result of their disorganized behaviors. Adults with a disorganized sense of attachment will often show the following signs:
-Possess fear of rejection
-Inability to regulate emotions
-Contradictory behaviors
-High levels of anxiety
-Difficulty trusting others
-Sign of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles
Disorganized attachment styles will vacillate between being too clingy and avoidant. They are deeply afraid of love so will avoid it but also crave it at the same time. Their behavior tends to be confusing and unpredictable. They also see their partners as being unpredictable which furthers their need to push their partner away. These individuals have a great need for safety and yearning for love but will create the opposite within a relationship due to their fears of rejection and abandonment.
If you were lucky enough to have secure caregivers and thus inherited a secure attachment style, you probably have been successful in your relationships throughput your life. If you were raised by one of the other types of caregivers, relationships likely have a been a challenge. Avoidant and anxious attachment styles who can identify their patterns and tendencies and then work to heal their past trauma, are able to successfully form secure attachment styles moving forward. Working with a therapist who can aid you in this process is vital. Working with a trusted coach or mentor is also beneficial in identifying your particular style and behavioral patterns which is a necessary step in the healing process. Ultimately, working toward a healthy sense of attachment as well as sense of sense is incredibly difficult but gratifying work.