How to Know the Difference Between Narcissistic Love and Healthy Love
/Finding yourself in a relationship with someone, whether its a spouse or partner, a friend, or family member, where you have questioned if the love present was real is a sign to pay attention. You may be asking yourself is this relationship healthy for me? It is a good question to ask if your intuition is telling you something may be off. If you are in fact in a toxic relationship, your gut will be trying to let you know and hoping you listen.
Narcissistic love can feel over the top. It can be powerful and seductive. It can feel irreplaceable at times. The problem is that it comes at a price. Love from a narcissist is dangerous. We have all heard the phrase, “You sell your soul to the devil.” That is essentially what occurs when you accept love from a narcissistic individual. The reason is that a narcissist is continuously on the hunt for “supply”, even and especially if they are in a “committed”relationship. A healthy individual, especially an empath is in search of real love. When a narcissist spots a healthy person, they see an opportunity for supply. Supply in this context refers to someone who provides fuel for another emotionally. It could also be physically via money, sex, material items, status, power, etc. This creates an exchange. The exchange being you give me emotional fuel through time, love, attention, affection, adoration, and all the good stuff that accompanies a real love dynamic between two people and I give you what I have to offer which is fake love disguised as real love which later becomes horribly toxic and abusive.
So how do we spot the real love offer from the fake one? The answer is to get as present and aware as possible regarding behaviors from the beginning. Remember, a narcissist does not have the capacity for real love so they have to fake it from the start in order to get their half of the bargain in the exchange. This is why a narcissist “love-bombs.” They know if they can present you with grandiose behavior that feels as close to love as possible, actually too good to be true, then they can reap their much needed supply from you quickly. If the narcissist didn’t love bomb but rather took their time and put forth mediocre effort in the love department, they know their chances of receiving the supply they crave would diminish and take a lot longer to obtain. This of course is not ideal for the narcissist so they commit to intense and passionate gestures up front. Knowing this, these hard fast attempts at love should now be nothing more than a massive red flag.
Secondly, if we get attuned to our feelings, we know the difference between an offer that feels warm and free versus one that feels like strings are attached. A narcissist’s love is always an exchange in that there is a price for them to stay in your life. The price is sadly your soul. A few examples might look like the following:
Parent-child relationship : Narcissistic parent promises car, private school, credit card, upscale lifestyle in exchange for the child’s unconditional support of parent’s bad behavior toward other family members, friends, and anyone else the narcissistic feels may be challenging his agenda including that child
Boss - associate relationship : Narcissistic boss promises work perks, raises, promotions, status within the company etc in exchange for the associate to stand by his side at all times and look the other way when boss commits dishonorable and possibly illegal behavior
Spousal/Partnership/Lovers Relationship : Narcissistic partner promises to not abandon the relationship and provide financially for the other partner in exchange for emotional supply, sex, status, etc but this partner must also put up with infidelity both physically and fiscally and they must withstand emotional abuse yet say nothing
These exchanges are all examples of relational dynamics with a narcissist where the non- narcissist must stuff their feelings and essentially crush their soul in order to maintain the exchange bargained for. Eventually, they become so beaten down emotionally that they have lost all sense of who they are. At this point, the narcissist, feeling the old supply has nothing left to offer, has already undoubtedly been entertaining a new, shinier supply that was waiting in the wings.
If we become attuned to our feelings and what our bodies are trying to tell us during initial meetings, coupled with knowing the red flags narcissists use early on, we can avoid accepting offers that are really just exchanges. We can empower ourselves to know the difference and accept only those offers that are real and lasting.