The Top 7 Mistakes Spouses Make When Divorcing
/1. Assuming the Judge will know what is best for you and your family.
Unfortunately most people think that if they ever have to get divorced, they will be able to go Court and have the Judge take care of it for them. Inherent in this belief is the idea that the Judge will be all-knowing, fair, and make all the right decisions that are necessary for life after divorce. Wrong. A Judge knows less about you than you. Aside from traditional litigation being the most expensive means to obtaining a divorce, the idea that justice will always prevail is one of the major pitfalls that accompanies our family law system. Thinking you will have your day in Court and the Judge will vindicate all the wrongs done to you by your ex is unrealistic. What actually occurs is far less glamorous and that is because with this kind of thinking you have left your future open to the judgement of a stranger. This stranger may wear a black robe and be wiser than the average person off the street but she is nonetheless still a stranger. The more issues you and your spouse can agree on and settle outside of Court, the better off you are in terms of owning your life post divorce. And while this is not always possible, it is something to attempt before choosing litigation, the most costly method to dissolving a marriage. There are several options available when it comes to dispute resolution and I encourage individuals to become educated on the choices they have and what is best for them and for their families.
2. Allowing the children to become involved in the divorce process.
This cannot be emphasized enough... there is no place for children of any age in the process of divorce. While children need to be reassured and informed of the basic necessary information like who is picking up from school today and whose weekend it may be, they should be spared the details of the divorce. Children need to know they are loved and cared for, and should be made aware that the divorce was not their fault. There should be no information exchange regarding an extramarital affair, financial indiscretions, or any fault finding matter that occurred leading up to the separation. Importantly, there are age appropriate ways to tell children about the divorce and many resources exist enabling parents the tools to know how and what to say when the time is right. Kidshealth.org/parent/talk/helpchilddivorce.html#a Breaking the news is an informative website which covers various topics about letting your children know that the divorce is coming.
3. Disengaging from the process of splitting the financials even if you were not the one who typically handled the finances during the marriage.
Divvying up the estate is a sad reality of divorce but an imperative one nonetheless. It is crucial each spouse remains committed to the process and informed throughout. This is often a lengthy and overwhelming time and although it can be draining it is essential to walking away from the marriage financially in tact and ready to move forward. If you find yourself wanting to give up during this time, seek out a professional such as a divorce coach who can partner with you in getting through the negotiations and helping you to understand and organize yourself when it comes to the financial details. Engagement in the process equals empowerment, and empowered individuals engage in better decision making and move forward with greater ease.
4. Overlooking the need to meet with an accountant or tax specialist regarding the tax implications that occur during divorce.
There are many aspects that get overlooked during this period but need attention and taxes are one of them. Although child support is considered non-deductible to the paying spouse, alimony is not. There are special rules regarding support, and your accountant or CPA will go over this in detail. I always encourage clients to speak with a tax specialist early on. It is wise to know where you stand with regard to possible tax consequences and/ or benefits before you negotiate your settlement agreement. Otherwise surprises may occur down the road and what you thought you were getting could actually be significantly less or more depending on the situation.
5. Assuming your attorney understands the day in and day out of what goes on in the lives of your children when it comes to creating the parenting plan.
I encourage clients to be as specific as possible when it comes to drafting the parenting plan. Any ambiguities left open for interpretation can cause monumental problems down the road. Your attorney cannot be charged with knowing details like daily routines, family holidays and customs, vacation preferences, after school schedules, child care norms, and the list goes on and on. A seasoned family law attorney will know the right questions to ask in order to craft a solid parenting plan but you as the parent should take special care to include as much and as detailed information as possible. This serves to protect the standard in which your children are accustomed to living as well as eliminate future disagreements over any left out terms.
6. Engaging in social media wars with your ex.
Despite wanting to shout from the roof tops what a no good, terrible bleep bleep your soon-to-be-ex spouse is, don't! Anything posted on social media, emailed, texted, etc. is fair game in Court and your spouse may use it against you. Be strategically savvy when it comes to anger and venting while going through a divorce. Both are necessary steps to getting through the process and I urge clients to do it in a smart way. Studies show that a venting session with a trusted confidante is emotionally more satisfying than engaging in a texting war or social media mudslinging, and there are no repercussions to worry about down the road such as an admonishment from the Judge or a negative impact to the children.
7. Trying to go it alone!
Divorce is not the time to become a one man or one woman island. Spouses who think they can keep the ever complicated life balance in tact while going through a divorce without support in place often end up depressed, ill, and finding that their work performance is severely suffering, their ability to parent is compromised, and that their important relationships are in turmoil. This is because divorce is one of the top two stressors life can throw at us. Other than death of a loved one, the studies report divorce to be the second most difficult life event an individual can experience.
It is also important to carefully choose who you allow into your sphere during such a difficult time. Well meaning family members and friends can be counter productive in the success of the process at times. Often they are too close to the situation and are biased in terms of the advice they offer. It is best to seek out divorce professionals such as certified divorce coaches, therapists, attorneys, and any other specialist qualified to deal with the situation at hand. And remember that each professional's role is unique and separate. Your attorney's job is to handle the legal aspects of the process. If a therapist is needed, they will engage in diagnoses, medical referrals if necessary, and delve into the past to resolve old wounds. A divorce coach will partner with you in order to strategize, create goals, plan for the future, and listen! And sometimes having that one person just listen to us while we are in the trenches makes all the difference.