Divorce During a Hurricane: The Double Meaning of Impact

Being that we just faced Hurricane Irma, and the wrath it brought to many areas, some of which are completely devastated, I thought it was relevant to think about another demographic of individuals who were impacted, divorced families. While this article does not speak to the destruction of houses, the loss of power or running water, or the breakdown of medical facilities available, it does address an area of concern. How can divorced families deal effectively during emergency situations like natural disasters, and what can be learned from this? 

We are over a month out from Irma and I cannot help but notice the various obstacles my divorced clients faced during their hurricane preparation. While some of them were the expected putting up shutters, boarding windows, and moving electronics away from windows, the challenges that gave me pause were the emotional ones. 

A client spoke to me about the huge relief she felt when her ex-husband agreed to help her secure her 1920s home. They were also able to agree that if evacuation became necessary they would travel together with the children to their agreed upon destination. She told me that the relief she felt as they were able to put their differences aside to work together for the sake of the children was priceless. I began to think about something I believe in strongly; divorce is not the end of a family but the restructuring of one. My client's story of being able to work together with her ex-spouse is an example of how true that statement is but it also raised some questions for me. If ex-spouses can come together as a "restructured family" during a natural disaster, then why can't they come together during the divorce itself? Aren't the ramifications ultimately the same; the welfare of the members? While a hurricane may be able to destroy a home, doesn't a divorce threaten to do the same? 

I realize that not all divorced couples were able to reunite for Hurricane Irma, and that my client may be in the minority. But if she is, then what can her story and others like hers teach us? I happen to know that a friend of mine, also divorced, joined her ex-husband and their kids during the hurricane as well. The children did not want to leave their mother behind so they asked their father if she could come with them and he agreed. So my friend joined her two children and her ex and their dog, two cats, and a gerbil for the caravan out of town. As I listened to her tell me about how it felt to watch her children sleep that night, knowing how happy they were to be safe with both parents, similar questions popped back in my head. Why did it take an impending natural disaster for two people to act as their best selves and effectively problem solve for the sake of their children?

I began to think about the damage of divorce. Just as a hurricane can tear apart peoples' lives, so can a divorce. How can folks harness the spirit of unification that can be mustered during a storm and channel it during dissolution proceedings? If couples were able to do so, the process of divorce could be turned on its head. The toxic, contentious fighting could be eliminated. Could this even be a possibility given that the finances need to be split, and often monies need to be paid both in lump sum and over time? And what about significant "other" relationships, the catalyst for some of the worst played out divorces. I happen to know that my client's ex-husband is dating someone but it did not stop the two parents from being able to work together for the evacuation. That tells me there is hope. 

While I do not foresee a revolution in divorce norms post hurricane, I am hopeful that individuals can take a moment to think about how Irma effected them in terms of what matters most. Like all devastating events, many human beings feel grateful when the crisis ends. There are Facebook posts and photos, news reports of gratitude for what was spared, and an overall sense of heightened appreciation abounds. However, as time goes on, we get back to our daily routines and the gratitude fades. So before the effects are worn off completely, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could learn a lesson from the turmoil of Irma, and internalize that our family is our home. It can be taken away in a day, in a couple hours, in a few seconds. Understanding the likeness to the havoc divorce potentially creates, perhaps couples going through the process can analogize with what it felt like when Irma threatened our homes, our families. Just as we boarded up and secured our dwellings, we can protect our families from a damaging divorce if we choose to act according to what matters most, and be our best selves.